By Adesida Adewumi MD
▪︎ Disclaimer: THIS WRITE-UP IS ONLY FOR MARRIED COUPLES. SO IF YOU ARE SINGLE STOP HERE*
I have the permission of both Mr and Mrs Johnson to share this true life lesson with you. This story happened three years ago.
I was on duty that day when Mrs Johnson walked into my consulting room. After exchanging greetings, I asked her, “So how can I help you Mrs Joshson? “. The answer that greeted my question was shocking.
“Doctor I am tired of my marriage; my husband is a two-minute man. He has never satisfied me in bed before. This year made it three years we got married. We have no child. Everything is just frustrating. Most times he himself is sad he could not reach the desired time he wished he could reach in bed. In fact sometimes before he even penetrated me he was already ejaculating. Sometimes one minute after the penetration, he has poured everything.
“The longest time my husband had lasted in bed since we got married doctor was seven minutes. I am suffering in this marriage, doctor. What is the essence of marriage if someone cannot enjoy her husband very well? Someone has no child also. In fact what is the essence of life itself. I am getting a divorce doctor,” she concluded with obvious frustration written all over her.
I acknowledged her pains and frustration and I empathized with her. “So madam any other complaint?” I asked. She said no. Then I went ahead to clarify some of the things she said to be sure I got her right.
“Mrs Johnson, if I got you correctly, summarily what you were saying was your husband ejaculates sooner during sexual intercourse than he likes or than you will like him to last? Not that he doesn’t get erection?”
Her response was swift, “Doctor you got it. It is not erection problem. In fact he gets erection all the times. The problem is he ejaculates too quickly for my liking and his own liking too. I regret marrying him. When my mates were chosing right how did I miss it?”
I asked further, “Okay, like how many minutes man will you like your husband to be madam?”
“Doctor, after all the preamble play, let him penetrate and last at least 10 minutes, I will manage it but sometimes even just playing with him alone, he has ejaculated. We have not even started anything o, doctor.”
I acknowledged her frustration and emphatized with her again.Then I went further to clarify what she thinks is the cause of her husband’s quick ejaculation.
“Okay, what do you think is or are the problem or problems causing this in your husband Mrs Johnson?”
She said the only thing she had noticed was her husband was always tense when it came to performing his conjugal duty.
“Are two of you fighting too much in the marriage?”
“No”.
“Before the two of you got married, were you two doing anything and was he always like this then?”
“Yes, we were doing something, doctor, and he was performing well. It was after we got married that this problem started may be God is punishing us for our sins. I even got pregnant and aborted for him once before we got married but see us now no sexual satisfaction no child, God please forgive us”. She broke down in tears
After the emotion had died down I continued my interview with her.
“Do you think your husband had many sexual experiences and too early in life?”
“Yes, doctor”. Let me call him in, he is outside so that he can just answer for himself.”
I called Mr Johnson in. We greeted. I updated him all our conversation so far. He affirmed them to all be true. Then I continued the interview with both of them.
“Mr. Johnson any sexual abuse in the past?” He said yes, by his aunt.
“Are you going through any stress at home or work?”
“Yes, doctor, I am going through so much stress at home and at work. After my boss has stressed me at work, this woman, pointing to his wife, will bring her own stress again when I get home. She will nag me on virtually everything. There is nothing I know how to do right to her. This is so much now that I am always becoming tense and anxious whenever we want to meet for fear that I may not do it well or get it right. She insults me all the time. She disrespects me all the time. In fact she does not allow me to be the head of the home. She is the husband. I am even depressed, doctor. I am tired of the marriage. Whereas before I married her three years ago doctor you will think she could not drink water if you put it in her mouth but now she is madam fire fire.”
I turned to Mrs. Johnson if all the accusations from the husband were true. She said yes, but accused her husband of doing the same things to her. I calmed both of them down and continued with the interview with Mr Johnson and asked if there was any infection of the prostate or urethra or hormonal issue? He said no. Does he smoke or drink alcohol? He didn’t.
After hearing the couple I got answer to the cause of the premature ejaculation. The first solution they needed was counseling. I counselled two of them separately and later jointly. I told them that their fight was normal but avoidable. They were still within the first 5 years of marriage which is always the most turbulent because they were just getting to know each other. I told them they were christians, they should study their bible more about marriage and practise marriage principles read there.
I told Mrs Johnson to let her husband lead and submit to him like she submits to God. And also to Mr. Johnson as the man and head should learn to have a large heart and love his wife and show more maturity and understanding, and acknowledge that some emotional outbursts are normal in women, because of the variations in their monthly cycle hormones.
After the counselling, both of them realised their mistakes, apologised to each other and promised to be doing all that I had told them and respect their faith and beliefs more and pray for grace to do the right things in the marriage. I told Mr. Johnson to see the mental health specialist for the abuse he suffered when he was young. He did.
In addition to the above, I went ahead to teach them other things they can do to last more in bed with each other. I told them “There are 3 techniques they can be practising that will help them. First is pause and squeeze, second is stop and start and third is distraction method.” They asked “What do all these techniques mean? I explained.
“Mr Johnson, pause and squeeze is when you are high ready to orgasm during the intercourse and about to ejaculate but you pull out and your wife press the head of your penis around that cap of the penis till the urge to release go down for like 30 seconds or 1 minute then you can penetrate her back and continue. The stop and start is the same as pause and squeeze, the only difference is no penis head squeezing is involved, you only stop until the urge to release goes down, then you start back the intercourse until two of you are satisfied then you release.
“The last technique, which is distraction technique, is simply to mentally distract your mind as madam is playing with you or during the intercourse while you are still doing it at the same time. Just be thinking of other things in your mind other than focusing on the pleasure too much. Another way you can distract yourself during sex is to use your tongue to be scratching the roof of your mouth,very distracting and helpful. “
“Thank you, doctor, he said, “I am so happy that God actually directed our path to you. Please any other things that can still help?”
“Yes, drugs. There are some drugs that can help which range from cream you can rub on your penis to deaden the skin a little if you are the type that the skin of your penis is too sensitive to touch or thrust. You can also use condom to reduce the sensitivity”.
I told them it is also natural that a man lasts longer during second round of sex. They should take advantage of that. H
e can equally use anti-depression drugs which, apart from using it for his depression, it also helps to delay ejaculation.
Al
so, anxiety drugs can help last long in bed, too. Physical exercise helps, too. Also kegel exercise to strengthen his waist muscles which I explained to him. Drugs like, Viagra and Tadafil can cause some numbness in the penis and prolong ejaculation time too.
They were so grateful. They collected my contact as they made their way out of my consulting room. I told them to see me in one month so that I could see how they were doing. I didn’t see them for almost 2 months after our first encounter. They were full of joy. Mrs Johnson was pregnant.
“Mrs Johnson, do you still want to divorce Mr Johnson now? Mr. Johnson what about you, do you still want to divorce madam”
“Doctor, nooo, everything is working now”.
I congratulated them and counselled them again, restating all I had told them before. As they left my consulting room that day, many lessons ran through my mind.
Lesson number 1:
Couples must know that the first five years of marriage are the most challenging. That is the period you fight most. To me, it is normal as far as it is not too much and no violence involved, affecting other things. The conflict is a sign that two of you are making progress.
Lesson number 2:
Let husband play his own role as the head of the marriage and wife as the helper of the head of the marriage. Practising your faith and beliefs in marriage.
Lesson number 3:
Too much fight can lead to premature ejaculation because of tension, anxiety, depression and stress. All couples must know this.
Lesson number 4:
Premarital sex and childhood sexual abuse can all lead to premature ejaculation later in life in marriage. All partners affected by this in marriage must seek mental health assistance.
Lesson number 5:
Seek professional help, if you are going through premature ejaculation instead of contemplating divorce. Apart from God hating divorce, are you sure the next person will not be worse than the present person?
Lesson number 6:
Two of you must be committed to change and instruction from your doctor and work together as one unit if you are to overcome the quick ejaculation problem.
Lesson number 7:
Don’t confuse erection problem (erectile dysfunction) with premature ejacualtion. They are different from one another. Erection problem is you cannot get erection to penetrate your wife while premature ejaculation is you can get erection to penetrate your wife but you ejaculate quicker than desired.
▪︎ Dr. Adewumi is a Family Medicine consultant, based in Kano. Follow him on Facebook at “FROM INSIDE MY CONSULTING ROOM “; his health page on YOUTUBE and INSTAGRAM @doctorhealtheducation; on Twitter @doctorhealthed1; and on WhatsApp at: +2348068649694. He gives daily education on health plus free daily consultation.
