Dear Devaan,
Good morning. What do you think about compatibility in relationships? In making the choice of a life partner what should I really consider the most? You are married. I want to learn something. I have seen so many relationships crumble, even among our born again brethren. How do I need to approach a serious relationship? I am sorry if I am disturbing.
LTS
Dear LTS,
No, you are not disturbing. Sometimes we need to hear the opinion of someone who is totally neutral and that’s what I am here for.
Well, this is another hard one because there are no hard and fast rules. Relationships are not a box- ticking exercise. I have seen people who are total opposites and from extremely dysfunctional backgrounds form very solid marriages. I have also seen instances where the couple has a lot in common, and seem to have everything going for them but turn out to be unable to sustain their marriage.
However, in my view, ordinarily there are certain ingredients that could make any relationship run smoother, especially marriage.
1) Open and direct communication – I can’t emphasize this enough. If you and your partner are able to tell each other exactly how you feel, your expectations, hopes, dreams and aspirations, well you are already halfway there.
2) Trust – Even if your motto in life is, “trust nothing and no one” both of you must make an exception for each other. This is the person you are opting to spend the rest of your life with. You are going to be sharing a bed with them. They most likely know even the secrets you choose to hide from them. Loose the wall and trust them. Don’t go asking people stuff about them. If you are suspicious of something confront them directly. You should be able to tell when your intended is lying.
3) Sense of humour – People tend to underestimate the healing power of laughter in a marriage. Life will sometimes throw some really large stones at you. If you can find a partner who can cheer you up and help you laugh your way through these challenges believe me you are luckier than most.
4) 3rd party interference – Try what you can to make this a last resort. Aim for a partner who is not always in a hurry to run to their family members or friends every time you have challenges. It is a valuable quality in marriage.
5) Courtesy – This includes “please” and “thank you.” Look for basic manners in your intended. Remember you are hoping to start a family with this person. People can’t give what they don’t have. If this person is not courteous to you and others, they won’t be able to impart that quality into the children.
6) Hard work – Look for someone who is not afraid of rolling up their sleeves to work. When the romance begins to wane, you find that such qualities attain great prominence.
7) Sexual compatibility – This is also really important and since its taboo for practicing Christians to have sex during courtship (I assume you are a Christian from you reference to born again brethren) I really don’t know how this can be achieved. Conjugal rights are very important in marriage and it would be a tragedy for two people with very different attitudes to sex to marry. Perhaps open conversations where you are honest with each other can replace actual sex but it’s important to be on the same page sexually with your partner.
I sure hope all the above helps but also remember to look for that X Factor that tells your inner man, “this is the person for me.”
All the best, man.
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