Dear Aunty Devaan,
I am worried.
I am in my late 30s and have met the man of my dreams. He is truly everything any woman could desire. He is kind, humorous, gentle, hard-working, has a good job, is intelligent and very very supportive in EVERYTHING I do. We have been together for just over a year now. I am a few months older and we come from different ethnic backgrounds but none of these differences have been a challenge. My only concern, and it is growing by the minute, is the grip his mother has on him. It’s frightening. He is her only child and she was widowed while pregnant with him and she decided to never marry. She raised him all by herself through some challenging times and I must say she did an excellent job. Sometimes I am scared that he is too good to be true but can anyone pretend for over a year?
Anyway, she practically lives his life for him. She proffers advice even when not asked. They speak everyday for at least 30 minutes. She cooks for him every Sunday and insists we both come for lunch. Though she seems to like me, my concern now revolves around the fact that she has insisted I get pregnant before the marriage to be sure I am fertile.
It’s something I can’t wrap my mind around and I don’t even understand where this kind of evil thinking is coming from. My church is quite strict and were it to come out that we are even being intimate, the relationship might be sanctioned. Coming to wed with a bulging tummy just won’t happen. And apart from the church, I don’t want that either. I don’t want people to think I trapped anyone into marriage with a pregnancy. Besides, a friend of mine did something similar and the fellow ran off with someone else 3 months into the pregnancy. She aborted it and almost lost her womb in the process. What if I take the chance and he also gets me pregnant and disappears? Meanwhile, I am not getting any younger. I have had a lot of unfortunate and sad relationships in the past. This is the one man who has treated me like a woman who truly matters and now this.
I have tried talking him out of it and though he gets me, he doesn’t want to hurt his mum either. I think he truly loves me and I don’t want to lose him because of this.
I am with you on this. I do not think you should intentionally try for a child in hopes of marriage. As you rightly pointed out, all kinds of things could go wrong. Besides what if you keep trying and can’t conceive? Do you keep at it indefinitely? Do you go separate ways? If you don’t get pregnant isn’t it possible it could be his fault? After all, infertility could affect either or both parties. What if you or the baby is lost at childbirth? What if you miscarry? What if the child is born with a defect?
I guess his mum is worried because you are approaching 40 and the older one gets, the more challenging it is to get pregnant. However, your prospective mum in laws suggestion comes with a whole lot of holes and is somewhat selfish in my view.
That said, did this woman say this to your hearing or you only heard it from your man? Could it be his own agenda and he is saying its his mum’s because he knows you could never ask her?
Either way please insist on at least the traditional marriage first. Also, tell him you will be happy to carry out any fertility tests and he should come along with you and have his done too. It could well be that he already is infertile, knows it and is keeping it from you to make it appear like its your fault. Either that or perhaps he wants out of the relationship and is therefore coming up with conditions he knows will put you off so he can leave with no drama.
Either way it’s not a good thing because marriage is more about companionship than children. Additionally, only the Supreme Being gives children. Perfectly healthy couples have remained childless only to go their separate ways and have children with other people.
Also tell him he needs to tell his mum he is willing to take a chance on you and marry you without the pregnancy and trust that all will be fine. He is the only one who can make this right in my view o.
Either way, I don’t see this as a good sign for your relationship going forward.
I however wish you every good thing and a speedy resolution to the crisis. I married late too so I do understand the anxiety.
All the best.